I accidentally burped into my bong.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
