I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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