At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
