i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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