Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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