Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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