dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
