My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize