wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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