It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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