I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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