I hate all girls vehemently.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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