How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
