im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
