How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
