I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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