12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
