don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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