capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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