i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
