I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
