Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Randomize
