i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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