I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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