She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
