you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
