the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
