I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
