There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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