How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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