i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
