So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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