I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
