Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
