The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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