I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
