Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
