i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
