Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
