i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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