Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
