Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
