I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
