god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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