If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
