I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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