NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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