I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You're a waste of cheezeits
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
