I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
