There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
