I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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