my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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