I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
