so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
