Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
we made out on top of his cat.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
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