I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
