i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
