so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
