So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
