i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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