I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
