We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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