I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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